Pilgrim
04-16-2007, 09:16 AM
that's right... Pathfinder.
I was in San Diego with next to nothing to do, and having just walked several miles wanted to sit in a darkened Air Conditioned theater and just relax a bit. At the mall I'd found my way to all the showings of decent movies were a few hours off, but behold Pathfinder in all it's glory was starting in just 15 minutes. 1.5 hours of escapism here I come!
Little did I know what a learning experience it would be!
Spoiler warning... but trust me it doesn't matter:
I learned so much!
First: Viking are all stupid. Not just that simple stupid that everyone stumbles into... like seeing some really hot girl from behind and admiring her for several minutes before finally finding the courage to go talk to her just to find out she's a dude... that's stupid, Vikings are far dumber then that! The fact the Vikings managed to make it across the ocean made me come real close to converting to the Norse religion, I mean any gods that can get that group of absolute idiots across the pond deserves some amount of worship.
As the best example of how stupid the vikings are, Our Hero states that the Vikings are masters of Ice and snow... ok that tracks. So he then manages to kill them ALL by drowning them when they fall through some ICE and the rest he gets with an avalanche of SNOW. How dumb do you have to be when you're the supposed masters of ice and snow and yet your entire raiding party are killed by ICE AND SNOW!!!!
Second: Indians are all stupid. The groups of Indians (Native Americans for you Lefties) are a bunch of idiots. The ones that aren't killed whilst toking up real good on the pipe (No really) die because they fail that one roll. It really did remind me of a role playing group where the GM wanted to thin the herd so made sure that there were plenty of ways to kill off his players. Most die by falling into a clever trap hidden by the other indians in the jungle... yeah let me roll this out for you, the Indians all die in the Clever trap laid by the other indians to catch the Viking who only understand Ice and Snow, but manage to avoid the Jungle trap and all die in the Ice and Snow... while the indians who should know the Jungle all die there...
OK then.
Also the Indians are a bunch of Racists. They won't let the Stupid white guy play any of their Reindeer games. Bringing me to point the Third:
Point the Third: Not being allowed to play the Reindeer games of either culture makes you immune to the stupidity of both groups (Able to not only survive the Jungle trap, but also survive the Ice and Snow) it also makes you irresistible to the Ladies, and gives you a genetic ability to not only wuss out of the simplest tasks (How hard can killing a baby really be?) but to also be a master swordsman... now don't get me wrong, when everyone attacks you in a double overhead swing in a Chest out hips back Valejo type pose, it's not THAT hard to gut them, but still, being a master swordsman rocks!
And when you are the White guy, Armor does not matter. You cut through it like butter, and no one ever gets close enough to your own gleaming flesh to ever have a problem.
Forth: Every movie must have some higher social meaning. This particular one was that everyone's an idiot, and whoever runs away better, and manages to not die horribly will get to have some Chick lead them at the end.
Honestly When I realized I was going to see pathfinder, despite my better judgment I went in expecting to see some silly fun and a few sword fights... This movie doesn't even have that.
I would rather watch Mortal Kombat Annihilation again then ever have this one cross my path again. Honestly the single worst film I've seen in a theater in probably the last 15 years.
I was in San Diego with next to nothing to do, and having just walked several miles wanted to sit in a darkened Air Conditioned theater and just relax a bit. At the mall I'd found my way to all the showings of decent movies were a few hours off, but behold Pathfinder in all it's glory was starting in just 15 minutes. 1.5 hours of escapism here I come!
Little did I know what a learning experience it would be!
Spoiler warning... but trust me it doesn't matter:
I learned so much!
First: Viking are all stupid. Not just that simple stupid that everyone stumbles into... like seeing some really hot girl from behind and admiring her for several minutes before finally finding the courage to go talk to her just to find out she's a dude... that's stupid, Vikings are far dumber then that! The fact the Vikings managed to make it across the ocean made me come real close to converting to the Norse religion, I mean any gods that can get that group of absolute idiots across the pond deserves some amount of worship.
As the best example of how stupid the vikings are, Our Hero states that the Vikings are masters of Ice and snow... ok that tracks. So he then manages to kill them ALL by drowning them when they fall through some ICE and the rest he gets with an avalanche of SNOW. How dumb do you have to be when you're the supposed masters of ice and snow and yet your entire raiding party are killed by ICE AND SNOW!!!!
Second: Indians are all stupid. The groups of Indians (Native Americans for you Lefties) are a bunch of idiots. The ones that aren't killed whilst toking up real good on the pipe (No really) die because they fail that one roll. It really did remind me of a role playing group where the GM wanted to thin the herd so made sure that there were plenty of ways to kill off his players. Most die by falling into a clever trap hidden by the other indians in the jungle... yeah let me roll this out for you, the Indians all die in the Clever trap laid by the other indians to catch the Viking who only understand Ice and Snow, but manage to avoid the Jungle trap and all die in the Ice and Snow... while the indians who should know the Jungle all die there...
OK then.
Also the Indians are a bunch of Racists. They won't let the Stupid white guy play any of their Reindeer games. Bringing me to point the Third:
Point the Third: Not being allowed to play the Reindeer games of either culture makes you immune to the stupidity of both groups (Able to not only survive the Jungle trap, but also survive the Ice and Snow) it also makes you irresistible to the Ladies, and gives you a genetic ability to not only wuss out of the simplest tasks (How hard can killing a baby really be?) but to also be a master swordsman... now don't get me wrong, when everyone attacks you in a double overhead swing in a Chest out hips back Valejo type pose, it's not THAT hard to gut them, but still, being a master swordsman rocks!
And when you are the White guy, Armor does not matter. You cut through it like butter, and no one ever gets close enough to your own gleaming flesh to ever have a problem.
Forth: Every movie must have some higher social meaning. This particular one was that everyone's an idiot, and whoever runs away better, and manages to not die horribly will get to have some Chick lead them at the end.
Honestly When I realized I was going to see pathfinder, despite my better judgment I went in expecting to see some silly fun and a few sword fights... This movie doesn't even have that.
I would rather watch Mortal Kombat Annihilation again then ever have this one cross my path again. Honestly the single worst film I've seen in a theater in probably the last 15 years.